Towards Harmony in Marriage!

The culprit for most misunderstanding and animosity in the marriage relation is that a woman unloads and dumps her worries and complaints onto her man and then he responds by giving her solutions and advice on how to solve the problems back of them.

But what results from this?

Doesn’t she whine: “He doesn’t UNDERSTAND me!”

And him?

Doesn’t he fume: “She gets mad when I try to HELP her!”

What’s really going on here?

Both the woman and the man are submitting to the sins predominant to their sex, which are SELF-PITY and INTELLECTUAL VANITY.

She plays the malcontent victim and he plays the wise sage: she wallows in how she thinks she has been dealt with unfairly by life or people and treats him like a therapist, and he bloats up his ego and treats her like she is an ignorant foolish person requiring his god-given enlightened wisdom.

These are both highly annoying and aggravating personas to have to deal with, and when two irritating personas encounter each other, can any good come of it? 

In fact, isn’t the only result that transpires from this that the man and woman come to harbor secret resentment for each other – or else they get into an argument where they try to dominate each other and browbeat each other into submission?

And where is the harmony in that?

So what must be done about all this?

How might this dynamic not only be circumvented but replaced with one that is uplifting and inspiring to both parties?

First, should we not understand that when women start griping and complaining and dumping their troubles on us, it’s not their PRIORITY to find a solution or resolution in that moment?

No, it is done because they want SYMPATHY and UNDERSTANDING!

What they want is to have their FEELINGS validated and affirmed! 

And by giving them a diagnosis of their problem and unsolicited instruction and guidance, what we’re REALLY doing as men is we’re actually invalidating those feelings and refusing to affirm them!

So we’re giving women the EXACT opposite of what they’re seeking from us.

Is it really any wonder they get mad at us?

We’re causing them emotional TRAUMA, for trauma is to have our emotions, and especially the painful ones of our suffering, chronically written off and treated as insignificant, and especially by the one we should trust most!

And what of the women who, doused in self-pity, puke their TRIVIAL complaints on men, expecting to eat up the sympathy for the PURPOSE of justifying and solidifying in their own minds their refusal to take some semblance of responsibility for themselves and their lives?

Should they not understand that men are built to desire to be needed, required and useful to women, and that when a man faces problems, his natural instinct is to solve them?

And are we not selfish to take ADVANTAGE of that for personal gain?

Let’s cut straight to it…

Women need to have their EMOTIONS be VALIDATED and AFFIRMED.

Men need to be NEEDED and VALUED for their WISDOM and USEFULNESS.

So for men when their women bring them complaints, instead of jumping in with explanations and advice, why not seek to identify what EMOTIONS she’s feeling?

Then AFFIRM and VALIDATE them.

Then, after that, maybe ASK your woman if she wants your counsel. Once her feelings have been confirmed, then she might shift into a solution-oriented mindstate, which makes her mind receptive to instruction and guidance, whereby you will finally feel most useful and thus satisfied.

And what of women and their complaints?

Shouldn’t they seek to take more responsibility for encouraging the POSITIVE thoughts and shutting off flow of the NEGATIVE ones, such that that which leads to griping and complaining is stopped at its root before it even happens?

Why not instead of unloading those emotions through bitching and complaining, share WHAT you’re feeling with your man and what you’re going through, and then after encouraging him to listen to how you feel, ASK HIM for his counsel on what you should do about it, thus fulfilling his need for delivering useful wisdom and being useful?

And then show him APPRECIATION for it.

Harmony in marriage arrives when women work on their self-pity and then bring only their sincere emotions into the relation, free from the victim mentality, and men work on their intellectual vanity, bringing humble wisdom and usefulness, not used as means to elevate their minds or resources for the purpose of exaltation and personal glory.