How To Connect With People
The secret to creating true friendship and romance, or cultivating friendly cooperation from any worthwhile ally where you’re seeking to exchange services for compensation with them, is to lead the way and see to it that the other person shares who they are and what their life is all about with you, and you also take the initiative and share who you are and what your life is all about with them. Then a connection or bond is naturally created, provided blunders weren’t made elsewhere in the exchanges.
This volume will teach you exactly how to accomplish this in any important relationship, with the people in your life or the people you want to welcome into your life.
It is accomplished slowly by encouraging the other person to reveal personal information about themselves and you volunteering personal information about yourself through how you conduct your conversations with them, starting from the very first words you speak to one another.
You must take the initiative to make this happen by how you lead your conversations with people, because the other person may be unlikely to do it.
True friendship, romance and business deals are the natural outgrowths of such a course of endeavor.
Behold!
The Art of Cultivating a Connection
The first thing you must do in order to master your people skills so you become an expert at meeting people and developing great rapport with them is to come to a certain understanding of life, which is this:
We have desires, goals or objectives in life. Then we formulate plans to achieve those objectives. In putting those plans into action, we have experiences. These experiences lead us to having problems or struggles that we must surmount in our pursuit. And in having experiences and struggles, we form opinions and perspectives on life. We also all have hobbies, passions and interests. And as we go about carrying out our activities, we also encounter people who we interact with and who we form relationships with. And this is all done under certain circumstances which makeup our life situations.
Remember these words:
OBJECTIVES
PLANS
EXPERIENCES
STRUGGLES
OPINIONS
INTERESTS
RELATIONSHIPS
SITUATIONS
They can be easily remembered by this acronym:
OPESOIRS
These words are important because these are the very subjects you want to learn about the other person, and they are also the very things you want to reveal and share about yourself with the them, and this must often be done by design, over the course of your conversations with them.
These are the topics you want to focus your conversations on!
Because when you know what all these things are for the other person and they know what they are for you, and you both know for each other, the natural result is that you will esteem, respect and trust each other, and a connection or bond will be established automatically. The natural result of this happening is that you will have developed a friendship or romance in the process of revealing these things to each other.
Learning how to do this tactfully and in a smooth way and putting it into practical application with the people you meet or know is what this text is really all about.
But it all starts with one virtue: love.
The Key to Success with People
You’ll never be really great with people and develop connections with them quickly and easily unless you have a genuine love for all people and seek to wish no one ill will under most circumstances, and you are also invested in them and their lives as much as you are in your own; that you desire them to prosper and be recognized the same way you wish to continue to prosper and be recognized.
This quality or attribute can be summed up with two words: curiosity and goodwill.
You must develop a curiosity about people. You must wonder and want to know what and why they think, feel and act as they do, even if you disagree with their thought and conduct. And in this, you can remove the obstacles to discover what their OPESOIRS are. When you have this aim and you do this, you will find you automatically start leading the conversations onto talking about these topics.
To develop this kind of curiosity you must dedicate yourself to being a life-long learner. You must ever and always want to expand your knowledge, wisdom and understanding about people and life, which is often looking for opportunities to learn what to do from some people and what not to do from others.
Because when you possess this desire, you start seeing many of those you encounter as a means or bridge to education and means for learning to overcome and advance in daily life; everyone has knowledge and wisdom you do not yet possess, and by talking to them and glimpsing into their life a little, they might grow into living opportunities for both parties’ advancement.
This is accomplished by discovering what other peoples’ OPESOIRS are, then you must take a genuine interest in them through the questions you ask, the comments you make, and the personal stories you tell.
And when you discover the OPESOIRS, you must also want to see them succeed in their affairs and relationships just as badly as you, yourself, want to succeed in yours.
Developing love for others encompasses the trait of curiosity which is aroused from a strong desire to learn every chance you get to advance in our affairs and relations, plus expressions of goodwill towards all and sincerely wanting the best for them, which encompasses forgiveness of past wrongs such that no negative emotions are experienced when the party is envisioned in the imagination.
And with that said let’s now move forward and talk about how to actually start a conversation with a stranger for the very first time, or someone you’ve known for years even, and then discuss how to lead that conversation such that you start sharing your OPESOIRS with each other, which should be the essential route followed for success in all friendship and romance.
But this involves listening, so let’s discuss that briefly first.
Being a Great Listener Is a Way of Thinking
There seems to be a common misconception that listening is simply keeping our mouths shut and letting the other person talk, and then nodding every so often, regardless of what thoughts we’re thinking, maybe in disharmony with their’s or drifting off somewhere unrelated entirely.
Thus, listening is often considered a skill passive, when this couldn’t be further from the truth. Listening is really a very active activity. And it is probably the most important skill required to be one of those who would become a master conversationalist who interacts with people in ways they find stimulating and engaging.
It is the art of knowing what thoughts to think as you’re listening to what the other person says, which should provoke the right reply from you next.
Listening has two phases, and is used in two ways. First, in the beginning of a conversation, the goal and aim is to listen for opportunities they make through the things they mention in response to your questions, called CUES, to transition the conversation onto the OPESOIRS and make them the central topics or THREADS of the conversation. And then second, the aim becomes to listen to get a clearer and more detailed picture in your mind of the other person’s current State of Affairs, which are the OPESOIRS having already been exchanged and banked in mutual memory. This is done through questions and clarifications.
So let’s put it all together.
On Initiating a First Conversation
There are just three ways to start a conversation with someone, which are these:
- Ask them a question
- Comment on your shared experience with them
- Share some news with them
Whenever you open a conversation, you will always say just one of these three things.
The entire purpose of these approaches is to achieve one aim and one aim only, which is to get the other person talking! Because once they start talking, they’re going to start dropping CUES into the conversation you can then capitalize on by turning into central THREADS.
You do not want to start blabbering about yourself in the beginning, especially if you’re meeting someone for the first time, unless they’ve already taken the initiative to ask you. So keep it short, if you must. Otherwise, it will only bore and irritate them, and they will start searching for a reason to leave and escape the interaction, all to release the bottled up feelings of being smothered and get some emotional relief.
What you want to do instead is put the focus mainly on them at first, and then listen to what they say! What you’re listening for are the CUES they drop in answer to your questions or comments, which are simply glimpses or mentions they make that are like gateways into revealing things about themselves and their lives. If not immediately, they eventually lead to the OPESOIRS.
For example, if it’s raining and you make the comment to someone, “Wow, it’s really been coming down today, huh?” And they respond by saying, “Yeah, my kid’s baseball game was cancelled. He was really looking forward to it.”
They’ve dropped two CUES about themselves and their lives into the conversation: (1) their kid, and (2) baseball.
Now you can comment or ask a question about either of these things. They’re revealed it’s accepted by them to ask now because they brought them up. You have their permission.
And already here, you’ve brought the conversation onto the OPESOIRS. Their kid is one of their relationships, and baseball is one of their interests.
It doesn’t always happen this fast. Sometimes you have to leapfrog through a succession of exchanges during small talk before you hit on one of the OPESOIRS. But once you’ve accomplished this, your conversation has achieved lift-off, and now you’re into next level conversation.
Now your focus shifts onto developing a connection.
Masterminding the Existence of Rapport
Rapport and connections are grown and developed as a result of talking about each others’ OPESOIRS, and both mutually taking an active interest in each others’. They’re a natural by-product of that.
This is done with four tools:
- Follow-up questions
- Affirmations
- Comments
- Personal revelations
When you induce people to talk about their OPESOIRS, you want to punctuate the conversation by voluntarily talking about yours too, as it relates to the current topic. That way you’re always getting to know them, and they’re always getting to know you better too.
The exchange must be mutual.
You want to aim to balance the listening and sharing about 50/50, but depending on their personality type, whether they’re a talker or more shy, this ratio can vary to be 70/30. But I wouldn’t let it get more unbalanced than that, because then someone’s doing all the taking and someone’s doing all the giving, and goodwill and rapport will start to break down quickly then and the recipient will grow impatient with the conversation.
Most people aren’t very good conversationalists, so you want to reveal information about yourself that they should be asking you about if they were good at it, which is to reveal your OPESOIRS. But you want to keep it short, about ten seconds, then turn the spotlight back onto them or look for confirmation they want to hear more before continuing, which is usually non-verbal.
Let’s use our example again. And let’s say you decide to use the “kid” CUE and turn it into a THREAD. You might share some information about yourself as it relates to this THREAD, then turn it back onto them:
“Too bad he missed his game. (affirmation) But kids are pretty great. They have such a zest for life. They’re always exploring and learning. (comment) I have a niece, and she’s awesome. She’s my sister’s kid. Me and my sister are pretty close, as much as she can with her busy life (personal revelation) How old is your kid? (question)”
“Oh, he’s ten now. He just had a birthday last week.”
As you can see, he’s already dropped another CUE into the conversation, which is the birthday. Now you can either continue talking about his kid (relationship), or you can inquire about the likely birthday party that ensued (experience), whereby more CUE opportunities will come.
What you want to do is always pick the CUES that most appeal to you, or else start searching for new ones if you’re not yet too committed to the topic and not past the point of no return where it would be jolting to tactfully change it.
With this example, continue following the CUES that lead the conversation onto the OPESOIRS, asking more questions as it relates to what they’ve said, and punctuating the exchange with comments and personal revelations that are also relevant to the topic, so that you’re both sharing about 50% of the time, and both listening the remaining 50%.
This all comes with practice.
Growing a Friendship or Romance
In the course of your conversation with someone, your aim is to get a picture of their current State of Affairs in life. This is done by learning their OPESOIRS. Friendship and romance are the result of each party already knowing each others’ major OPESOIRS, and each knowing the other knows. This is mutual memory; a foundation of a deep and close connection in friendship or romance.
In part, the purpose of any interaction is to learn about the other person’s ongoing experiences, struggles, plans and relationships, so that you can check in with them during the next interaction and follow-up to see how they have been progressing since the last time you talked.
This also gives you a legitimate reason to see them again, or get their contact information if it’s a first meeting.
You also want them to know these things about you, so you can update them on how your experiences, struggles, plans and relationships have been working out too. We as people love to hear news, and people choose sides; yours or sad fate, which helps you decide if they’re your ally or enemy.
Work on crafting a story of battles, triumphs and defeats for them through your every repeated exchange, based on your recent progress. But this means you must have definite aims you’re persistently working towards. And I would have them and stick to them through fire or rain.
At any rate, you want to be invested in how things are turning out for people, and you must induce them to take an interest in how things are turning out for you too. If they absolutely refuse to cooperate and contribute, I would drop them.
But in long-term friendship and romance, you want to be their champion and root for their success, or for them to get what they want out of their pursuits, and you ideally want them to be yours. So don’t be a naysayer and a Doubting Thomas who frowns on their aims and purposes and tries to discourage or sabotage them; that will only make them resent you and look on you with ill will, even if you know or think you’re right. I would seek peace and harmony and faith in ourselves and each other instead.
Throughout your every exchange, you must sincerely want to celebrate with the people close to you in their victories, and also sympathize with them in their defeats. This is what it means to be a great friend. And you have to be a great friend if you want to attract great or good friends.
Tips for Learning
Skill precedes results.
Thus, the first step to achieving the actual outcomes you really want from mastering your people skills is to become proficient at starting conversations with strangers and then learning how to build that crucial rapport and connection in the same exchange, by leading the conversations onto the OPESOIRS throughout its course.
The best way to practice all this is on people who are paid to talk to you. If you’re scared of making mistakes and encountering rejections (which are going to happen as you learn), people like receptionists, clerks and waiters/waitresses will go easy on you when you flub up and won’t make a scene of rejecting you outright. They will be tactful, because it would be unprofessional of them if they weren’t.
Simply start by asking these people the most basic question when they’re ringing up your orders:
“How’s your day/shift going?”
Then listen for those CUES! Listen for the mentions they drop that glimpse into their life and then apply what this treatise teaches from there.
However, sometimes people just say, “Good” and then ask you how you’re doing.
So tell them! Briefly tell them what’s happening in your life right then, whether from where you’re coming from or where you’re going; then use that topic as springboard or SEGUE, which is a CUE you introduce, to ask them about it.
For example, you might say, “I’m good. I have an interview at a coffee shop later today. Do you remember your last interview?”
Now you’re onto talking about your experiences.
Practice on your friends, family and colleagues, every chance you get. You may be surprised at how those seemingly tired and jaded relationships come back to life. And then you’ll slowly grow in skill, and the results will be sure to follow, when you really need the skills to win the cooperation you desire.
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